Angry young woman

Have you seen some kids who look like they are up to no good? I was one of them once. Not that I was a troublemaker, in fact, I was a people pleaser and had all the makings of a hero. I fought for the underdogs. My mom recalls that when I was 3 years old, I pushed a 6-year-old girl off the stairs. I had had enough of this bully whose favorite pastime was to bite children much younger than her. Thankfully, what I recall as a long flight of stairs was actually about 3 stairs or so and so she survived with minor bruises. She also never came anywhere near me or "my people."

Then I recall using my girlie charms when I was 5 to have one of the guys in my class beat up another guy who loved to pull my hair. I also recall feeling very guilty that my friend was punished for starting a fight. I think it was that very day that I decided that the best way to handle such situations was to not depend on anybody to take care of it for me. I always did a better job than others anyway. So I became the martial-arts hero at an age when I had to struggle to climb my mom and dad's beds. Ok, I never learnt any martial arts but I did have a war cry that could send the best bullies scampering for shelter.

Like most parents, my parents had a very clear idea of what little girls ought to be like. It was but natural that they did what they thought was needed to make me less aggressive. Their project was far more successful than they imagined. I spent a large part of my growing up years being silent and disconnected because all I learnt was that whatever I did was offending someone somewhere and that since my opinion did not matter, I need not voice it. And so I remained silent.

When I moved out of my house for further studies, I was 22 years old and painfully shy. A series of pleasant accidents around that time made me realize that what I had in hand now was that no one here really knew me and the absence of my parents definitely was a plus point in building enough confidence in myself to be myself.

Even now, years later, I often find myself nervous around authority figures like professors, deans, principals, defense officers---the people I am forced to face each day at work. It was a choice I made. I like a good challenge and I took up my current job for that very reason---to get rid of irrational fear. Even when I face the fight-or-flee emotion during my meetings, I tell myself that I am a professional and I have to be firm in my dealings and it is OK.

This also made me think, do most women lose out on good jobs because they are raised to be mild, adjusting and non-aggressive? It does take a lot to go against all those believes that you grew up with, all those times that one is told to "be a good girl" or "girls don't fight!" and to pursue a career or doing a job that you enjoy.

I've re-learnt to be aggressive so that I could do justice to my job. My past experience of being told not be aggressive has taught me that sometimes, just sometimes, holding back is necessary. I just wish I had grown up learning how to balance out my aggression rather than pushed and threatened into silence.

The Ex box

There are a few decisions I made in the past that make me extremely proud of myself. Like the time I broke off from my first boyfriend (despite how much I thought I loved him) because when he told me his expectations of me after we got married, I realized that the man I was dating and the man I would be married to were as different as day and night. And as luck would have it, right before I broke of with him, I caught him cheating on me. That was divine timing. It made it so much easier to call things off with zero regrets.

Then after an on-and-off relationship with a megalomaniac, I decided that I had enough. It took me far too long to reach that decision but I when I did, I did so with crystal clear idea of what I wanted and that I had put up with a lot of nonsense for far too long. I had made a mistake and I was going to set things right for myself.

The third ex, the one I truly, truly fell in love with, was clearly not ready for what being with me meant. After dealing with his see-saw moods for some years I found myself as confused about him as I was when we first met. I also learned that as long as I treated him like sh!t, he would worship me and when I was being nice, he would run me down. I had enough of that very soon but then, I loved him. More importantly, I was seriously attracted to him and his bad boy personality. Then in a spate of anger or boredom he said that we were never dating. He, of course, as always, came back to me as if nothing had happened and nothing had been said but I had already packed up my emotions and was out the door.

I have no regrets about meeting them or what transpired between us. They are the reason I now know what I look for in my partner, what I am ready to put up with and what I can do without. I also know that love is not overrated. It's our expectations from the other person. I still fall in love and hard but never with the careless abandon of earlier times. I prepare myself to really see who the other person is---his strengths, his weaknesses, his quirks---and hope he tries to understand me as well.

When things go wrong, especially relationships, it's easy to blame the other person and not take any responsibility yourself. The important thing is not how you met or how long you were together...not even whether you still love the other person. The question to address is, does the other person make you feel good about yourself and do you bring the best in him/her. If the answer is no, kiss goodbye and move on. Life is too short to be with the wrong person.