Angry young woman

Have you seen some kids who look like they are up to no good? I was one of them once. Not that I was a troublemaker, in fact, I was a people pleaser and had all the makings of a hero. I fought for the underdogs. My mom recalls that when I was 3 years old, I pushed a 6-year-old girl off the stairs. I had had enough of this bully whose favorite pastime was to bite children much younger than her. Thankfully, what I recall as a long flight of stairs was actually about 3 stairs or so and so she survived with minor bruises. She also never came anywhere near me or "my people."

Then I recall using my girlie charms when I was 5 to have one of the guys in my class beat up another guy who loved to pull my hair. I also recall feeling very guilty that my friend was punished for starting a fight. I think it was that very day that I decided that the best way to handle such situations was to not depend on anybody to take care of it for me. I always did a better job than others anyway. So I became the martial-arts hero at an age when I had to struggle to climb my mom and dad's beds. Ok, I never learnt any martial arts but I did have a war cry that could send the best bullies scampering for shelter.

Like most parents, my parents had a very clear idea of what little girls ought to be like. It was but natural that they did what they thought was needed to make me less aggressive. Their project was far more successful than they imagined. I spent a large part of my growing up years being silent and disconnected because all I learnt was that whatever I did was offending someone somewhere and that since my opinion did not matter, I need not voice it. And so I remained silent.

When I moved out of my house for further studies, I was 22 years old and painfully shy. A series of pleasant accidents around that time made me realize that what I had in hand now was that no one here really knew me and the absence of my parents definitely was a plus point in building enough confidence in myself to be myself.

Even now, years later, I often find myself nervous around authority figures like professors, deans, principals, defense officers---the people I am forced to face each day at work. It was a choice I made. I like a good challenge and I took up my current job for that very reason---to get rid of irrational fear. Even when I face the fight-or-flee emotion during my meetings, I tell myself that I am a professional and I have to be firm in my dealings and it is OK.

This also made me think, do most women lose out on good jobs because they are raised to be mild, adjusting and non-aggressive? It does take a lot to go against all those believes that you grew up with, all those times that one is told to "be a good girl" or "girls don't fight!" and to pursue a career or doing a job that you enjoy.

I've re-learnt to be aggressive so that I could do justice to my job. My past experience of being told not be aggressive has taught me that sometimes, just sometimes, holding back is necessary. I just wish I had grown up learning how to balance out my aggression rather than pushed and threatened into silence.