Working women and mama's boys

I used to joke earlier that instead of a husband, I need a wife just to have someone who would take care of home while I was away at work. The thought of walking home to Nigella Lawson or Kylie Kwong’s fantastic cooking has always been a somewhat of a fantasy for me. It is a sexist thought, I admit, and despite having positive male role models in my (the one’s who participate in housework to assist their wife), l can’t help but fear the “responsibilities” of a wife that the society expects. Even independent women like me do face guilt brought in by parents, television and society that no matter how much we earn, we are incomplete unless we harassed by thoughts of running a smooth house while juggling career,  clean house, screaming toddlers, fantastic cooking skills and a 30 plus year old husband who is incapable of finding his socks. Being successful continues to mean different things in a man and in a woman’s life.

I have lived away from family for 4 years and I did manage very well when it came to handling housework and bills. I was and still am quite proud at how well I adjusted to a life without servants and I enjoyed every moment of it. So staying alone is never a problem for me; it’s the entire thought of living with a man whose mother did everything for him that repulses me. For those who say, “adjustments and compromises are a part of married life,” I wholly and completely agree with you. The question is how much adjusting and compromising should a woman do?  There’s a joke that I read sometime back that makes a good point here. It goes as this: Guys, to impress an Asian woman, give her equal rights. There is no denying that most of us (I’m addressing Asian women here) would find it difficult to control our tears of joy and, dare I say, gratitude if the man of our life willingly helped us run our household. You know the one who says, “Honey, since you are cooking, let me take care of the laundry/children’s homework/washing the dishes…”

Most of us have grown up seeing our fathers come home from work and mothers rushing with tea and snacks for them. We grew up knowing that fathers are not to be disturbed for the rest of the evening since they had gone to office and had worked hard. Now that women have not just started taking up jobs but also started building careers, we don’t get fooled so easily by excuses of “went to office and hence tired.” Now the scenarios are changing in an average house.

Imagine this, husband and wife come back from work and wife gets busy with a household chore.

Wife:  Hun, could you take care of (insert any household chore)

Husband: but I just got back from work!

Wife: So did I!

Husband: *whimpers* but my mother did this and more all her life.

Wife: She didn’t have a 9 to 5 job like I do.

Husband: *whimpers*

Maybe that is one reason some men don’t like women who work. It means loss of good, warm homemade food, sorting out clothes and bills with the dhobi, being equally responsible in bringing up kids, and weekly trips to the sabzi mandi. For most of these men, the thought of helping the spouse doesn’t occur thanks to their loving mamas who did EVERYTHING for them. Does the current generation of mothers have what it takes to make life easier for the young woman who will share her life with her son?

Re-training your mind for unending possibilities

In any work environment, attitude separates winners from losers. This does not mean that winners move from one to win to another but that when things are going bad, they don’t crumble. They remain positive long enough for times to change in their favor. So, why do positive people always see the sunshine when things are going well and silver lining on the worst days?

According to some studies, it’s just the way our brain works. We have a very strong tendency to see what we want to see and what we expect to see. Do you remember the last time you had to make an important decision, for example, buy a new car? You may have liked a particular model but had to wait till you got your hands on it and in those days, all you noticed is how many cars in the model you liked are on the street. They were in front of you, honking impatiently behind you, overtaking you. They seem to be everywhere! The way we think, determines what we see. The subconscious mind is still often underrated especially in any workplace. This has huge implications when studying our customers, markets, competitors, and other data that influences key business decisions.

When we only see what we want or expect to see, we miss competitive threats because our brain ignores the possibility of danger from that direction. For similar reasons, we miss opportunities because we only see what has worked in the past rather than what could be. We miss major market shifts and changes in customer needs that seem obvious in hindsight but are easily overlooked when focusing on what we already know.

We humans are wired such way that we have a natural affinity for set patterns and make connections (have you noticed face of your deity on your toast lately?). Our brain is constantly filling information gaps. What was/is a very important function for our safety also makes us vulnerable to jump at the first answer/solution that pops to our head rather than take the time to examine all the data. This is especially true in today’s world where we receive more information every day than we have time to assimilate. Important facts are that the brain doesn’t always get it right and it is possible to re-train your mind.

Most people know that yoga and martial arts not just work on the body but on the mind too. They both have the same underlining philosophy, calm the mind. A calm mind is more focused when not panicking at the first appearance of a problem real or imagined. For those who are as impatient as I am, when faced by a dilemma that makes you want to throw your hands in the air and lament, “what can I do?!” ask yourself, “what else can I do to take care of XYZ problem?” This is the most basic brain training. The minute you pose the question differently, your brain opens up and starts to search for other possibilities. It is easy and possible. An example from real life is when I had just started working and I had to send some documents urgently to an author who had no mobile phone and was not attending his landline number either. All I had was his address and when our peon, who had gone to deliver the documents, got confused between two very similar addresses not too close each other, I had to figure out a way. Once I managed to calm my agitated mind, it struck me that taxi and auto drivers are usually familiar with routes and addresses. I phoned the local taxi stand closest to the address (thanks to Google!), I was able to speak to a friendly driver who explained the route and important landmarks, which I was then able to communicate to the peon. The work got done within minutes. Had my colleague been handling the situation, he would have asked the peon to return with the documents (as he was advising me to do) and cribbed about people who don’t attend to their phones.

As for attitude at workplace that I discussed at the beginning of this post, positive people are already tuned to the part of brain that is open to other possibilities. They believe that things will be OK and they often don’t even realize when they have started on a new/unknown road to recovery. Of course, there are situations beyond one’s control but an open and calm mind is listening to every opportunity and is waiting for it to knock.

How work and play made me a good hostess

When I joined my current company as an Assistant Editor, I got the opportunity of working with publishing giant with the added advantage of working in a fairly new branch. This of course meant that my role was much more than what was expected out of me. Not having a dedicated marketing team for the journal’s team meant I had to work with the Indian marketing team based here for all promotions in India. And before I knew it, I was asked to help out organize in-house events as well. I recall the first time I ventured into this unknown territory. What all my friends know and the office did not know was that I am a much better guest than I am hostess. However, here I was, organizing snacks and food items for a team of 80 plus. I think I stopped eating for a few days until the event out of sheer stress.

It took about two in-house events till I noticed a trend…samosas disappear very quickly, so does dhokla. Shammi kababs will always have takers and bread pakoras are usually avoided by most. There are not many soft drink drinkers either. Most people are not OK with trying out tarts and pies and it is redundant to order tarts when there is cake to be had. Also, cakes and champagnes disappear very, very quickly. Once I understood this, I know exactly how much to order when catering to 100 plus people while keeping their tastes and appetites in mind. One thing that happily changed was that now there was hardly any food wasted even when everyone had managed to eat well. All within the budget too, I add. I now had phone numbers of Nathu, Bikanerwala, Haldirams, Wengers, and other eating joints in and around Connaught Place. I was then made the Food-in-Charge of the newly started recreation club in the office. Now while all this was going well, my reputation as a party person reached some members of the top management and then came up with the request to come up with games and other activities for our picnics and other social get-togethers. Again, since I was new and they were seniors, I could not bring myself to telling them that I was good at clubbing and bar hopping and not at organizing games. However, thanks to internet and some common sense, I was able to tackle this challenge as well. My friends had no idea that I was honing my hosting skills at work…until recently, that is.

One of my closest friends owns Party Hunterz in Delhi, which made me the designated person to organize the Naughty at 40 b’day bash for a friend and colleague, at her house. I hunted down a baker and had a naughty cake arranged, got cool hats and headgears for all people at the party and made sure that the b’day girl really stood out it her craziest b’day accessories that I bought from the party store. Everybody had loads of fun and I blabbed all about it to my friends. My friend still did not believe me completely.

Now, my sister is getting married this month and since her wedding was decided very soon and very unexpectedly, and my friends were more nervous than I was about the Bachelorette that we had to throw for them (my sis and I have loads of friends in common). My Party Hunterz friend was even more anxious since he thought I was missing all party hosting genes. Since he was caught up in opening his third store in Delhi and with various other events thrown, he pestered me to organize a good party for her (as if I wouldn’t have!). I assured him that I would take care of it all and so he then pestered me even more to make sure it was perfect. Thankfully he got really tied up with work and I was able to plan it out at my pace. I got a list of my sister’s close friends from college that I did not know too well, called them up, invited all participants, got a final count, booked a suite in Radisson Blu, booked buffet dinners for all attendees, got glitter hats for all men (yes, we had men in the bachelorette as well) and cutest bunny ears for all girls, “bride-to-be” gear for my sister, and some naughty and drinking games. I even managed to buy truckloads of alcohol for the party though I had to enlist help from 2 friends. All that done, we all met up in the suite, danced our heads off, drank like crazy without getting drunk, jumped on beds, laughed and laughed and shared raunchy gossips. By the next day, the suite looked like some hardcore rockers had spent a week in there. Bride-to-be was really happy and my friends were very happy to tell me that it was the best bachelorette that they had ever attended. My Party Hunterz friend came to tell me that I had done a really good job. Coming from him (he is the perfect host at all his parties, btw), it meant a HUGE deal.

My friends are already planning on having lots of get-togethers at my house once the wedding is over. I don’t think I’ll have much time to miss my sister. I’m already nervous about the new standards of hosting that everyone now expects from me. But like all other times, I accept the challenge.

When sis found Mr Right and I didn't...

There are many special occasions in one's life...birthdays, graduation, birth of a child and, of course, marriage. Marriage is very important, no denying that, especially for girls. More than marriage, it's the wedding that girls dream about. What to wear, how she would be the perfect bride-to-be all smiles and giggles and starry eyed about that perfect man she would marry and how for that one day the world will revolve around her. Well, I have never really been too excited about the idea of marriage. My parents, on the other hand, have looked forward to the day they would give my sister and me away to two perfect men.
For over a decade, they looked high and low for a good match for me. Nothing worked out for me and I met men after men, rejected some, got rejected by some and I remained single. Then a couple of years ago, my sister started getting marriage proposals from some really interesting men and my parents were torn apart between getting excited for my sister and the depression that my options were running low. I told them that if my sister found "the one" they should go ahead and not wait for me.
She found her Mr. Right in an arranged set just when I rejected another proposal. Then after a lot of thought (and coaxing from me), my parents went ahead with the alliance and she got engaged.
The reactions we got from friends and relatives was far beyond what we were prepared for; some expressed happiness, some were upset with my parents for not getting me married first (as if they had a choice in the matter), some snide remarks on how my sister must have had an affair and hence my parents' hurry to get her married and/or finally I'm paying the price of being overweight. What most people are not able to digest is that how I'm not only not affected by this "rejected" and "single" status I now carry but also excited and happy for her. It's the final bit that really angers me. How can I not be happy for my sister who is also my best friend?
The usual way of shutting them up, I found, is to ask them,"what's more important? For me to be married or happy? And I am happy now so what's the problem?"
So now we all sit with a pink elephant in the room. I don't bother. It's their elephant. Not mine.

Dancing in the rain...

When I was little, everytime it rained, my mother would call my sister and me and say "it's raining! Go and play now!!" and my sister and I would run into the terrace or garden and jump around, sing songs and feel the rain drops on our little faces and arms.

Even to this day, rain has a strong hold on me. I could be in a serious meeting or in a situation that does not allow me to go and get wet in the downpour, but the minute the dark clouds gather, I'm already preparing to run outside. And when it rains, I am mentally running outside with my hands stretched above and my face towards the sky...twirling and twirling in the rain till I'm dizzy and extremely happy. Almost nothing else sets my heart tingling with excitement the way rain does.

No goodbyes, farewell and no retirement

My father retired yesterday. I always hated that word. Retired. Instead of happy feelings of saying goodbye to a life of work, one simply retires. There is party to celebrate ones lifetime of contribution and then that person drops from the radar. It's just so cruel!

My dad retired as a very senior officer in the army. Anyone would say, "just look how well he did for himself...how far he came." But the fact is, it's never enough. More so in my dad's case. Since the age if 10, he has lived away from his family in a boarding school in Sainik school, Kunjpura, Karnal. He understood early on that he had to join the army. Clearly, creativity was never in the curriculum and nor was it encouraged. He went to NDA, IMA and 37 years later, he retired. The only life he was familiar with, is no longer there.

Years ago I asked him what he would have been if not an army officer. He said, "I don't know. All I knew was that I had to join the army and I stuck to that." For me, it was shocking to think that a person who taught my sister and me to think for ourselves, make our own choices and stuck with us through our good and bad decisions never felt that he had a choice.

I am bitter. Not just because my father retired but for all people who retired when they still had much to give. It breaks me up even more to think what must be going through my father...army has been a good 48 years of his 58 years of life. How bewildering and scary it must be to be left vulnerable in the rough and unfamiliar civil life. And yet he is acting strong because my mom and sis have been crying their eyes out ever since the bomb dropped. We knew that this day would come and yet, nothing could prepare us for the coldness of it.

During big reunions, retired officers and their spouses are invited. They often include officers who retired nearly 2 decades ago. My father used to make special efforts to interact with them and taught his juniors to do the same. He often told them to keep in mind that these elderly people were once young and strong officers just like them who had dedicated their lives and given up comfort and stable family life for the service of the country.

God forbid the day that he finds himself in such reunions. And if he does, I hope he comes across an officer just like himself who would take some time out and say, "Good evening, sir. I have heard do much about you. They are very few Generals who have done what you have done." That would make his day. More importantly, it will give him faith that the army still pulls in gentlemen. He needs that faith. My father, the General, needs faith. He's a simple man, my dad.

Should women be employed?

In my previous job, one of my colleagues (a 30 year old man) casually mentioned that he felt that women should not work. I was taken by surprise and asked him why he thought so. "Because women take up jobs that they can't commit to...have various excuses for not doing a good job, like in-laws, children, etc...and they often leave jobs the minute they get married...that job should ideally go a man who is equally qualified for the job and has a family to support." He was not clear whether he thought I deserved my job either because while he respected the fact that I am ambitious, he was not sure if my priorities would change once I got married. While most women would love an opportunity to wrap their fingers around his neck, I knew exactly what he meant and I could not completely fault him on his thinking.

At that time I could only try to explain the other side of the story where a woman, ambitious or not, often has to make the uncomfortable choice of choosing her family over job. Parents often expect their daughter-in-law to drop her work and serve them since the man's job is important. It is also a woman's responsibility to bring up the children. More often than not, a woman can neither leave her kids in day-care and nor will her husband take a paternity leave to help her. And after marriage, a woman is supposed to leave everything and re-locate to wherever her husband is. With so many factors stacked against her, how does an ambitious woman continue on her road to a successful career? My colleague seemed to understand what I was trying to say but did not seem convinced.

To be candid, even I have mixed feelings about this matter. There are women who start working because they have completed their studies but not found their matrimonial match yet. To add to the cold fact is that with a lack of day care centers in India and breaking joint-family system, women hit the glass ceiling very soon. Coming back to work after a break of even a year or two means that, quite often, she is already out of sync with the industry. As an employer, I would certainly have my reservations against employing a young, unmarried woman for an important post.

This means that unless support systems for working women comes up, lesbians and forced spinsters have much better chances of gaining approval and success in the long run.

Cinderella in business

Every once in a while, I come across books that have not only made sense but have altered my perspective of life. More recently, I had been facing problems with a colleague. For the life of me, I could not understand how to handle the petty squabbles that she would start or bringing up certain instances over and over again rather than focusing on the main issue that led to a smaller and insignificant issue. Though I had complete support of the top management of the company, I personally felt that dragging them into the issue would help me win the fight but would also diminish my value. I mean, if I can not handle a petty argument, how can they expect me to handle even more serious issues that require me to work out deals and contracts with people of temperaments that were as varied as the colors in a rainbow. Then someone I look up to suggested a book while we were talking about business, management and negotiations.

I read excepts online and got interested and then started reading the book online till I lay my hands on the book itself. Within a few chapters into the book, I realized how I was viewing things differently. From the situation with my colleague to how to affect my competitors. It was like my mind was filled with mini explosions with every page I turned and devoured.

This was like a Cinderella story of the business world where I was the one scrubbing the floor till my fairy godmother (apt here since my colleague who suggested the book is a woman) took me out of the hell-hole and transformed me into a business woman. Ok so since I have not read the complete book, let me say that my shimmering Ball-gown is here and the pumpkin is in the process of transforming. I, in the meanwhile, I'm practicing my moves for the Ball.

What's the name of the book, you ask. Well, let's just say that the name would be revealed to those who deserve to know.

Angry young woman

Have you seen some kids who look like they are up to no good? I was one of them once. Not that I was a troublemaker, in fact, I was a people pleaser and had all the makings of a hero. I fought for the underdogs. My mom recalls that when I was 3 years old, I pushed a 6-year-old girl off the stairs. I had had enough of this bully whose favorite pastime was to bite children much younger than her. Thankfully, what I recall as a long flight of stairs was actually about 3 stairs or so and so she survived with minor bruises. She also never came anywhere near me or "my people."

Then I recall using my girlie charms when I was 5 to have one of the guys in my class beat up another guy who loved to pull my hair. I also recall feeling very guilty that my friend was punished for starting a fight. I think it was that very day that I decided that the best way to handle such situations was to not depend on anybody to take care of it for me. I always did a better job than others anyway. So I became the martial-arts hero at an age when I had to struggle to climb my mom and dad's beds. Ok, I never learnt any martial arts but I did have a war cry that could send the best bullies scampering for shelter.

Like most parents, my parents had a very clear idea of what little girls ought to be like. It was but natural that they did what they thought was needed to make me less aggressive. Their project was far more successful than they imagined. I spent a large part of my growing up years being silent and disconnected because all I learnt was that whatever I did was offending someone somewhere and that since my opinion did not matter, I need not voice it. And so I remained silent.

When I moved out of my house for further studies, I was 22 years old and painfully shy. A series of pleasant accidents around that time made me realize that what I had in hand now was that no one here really knew me and the absence of my parents definitely was a plus point in building enough confidence in myself to be myself.

Even now, years later, I often find myself nervous around authority figures like professors, deans, principals, defense officers---the people I am forced to face each day at work. It was a choice I made. I like a good challenge and I took up my current job for that very reason---to get rid of irrational fear. Even when I face the fight-or-flee emotion during my meetings, I tell myself that I am a professional and I have to be firm in my dealings and it is OK.

This also made me think, do most women lose out on good jobs because they are raised to be mild, adjusting and non-aggressive? It does take a lot to go against all those believes that you grew up with, all those times that one is told to "be a good girl" or "girls don't fight!" and to pursue a career or doing a job that you enjoy.

I've re-learnt to be aggressive so that I could do justice to my job. My past experience of being told not be aggressive has taught me that sometimes, just sometimes, holding back is necessary. I just wish I had grown up learning how to balance out my aggression rather than pushed and threatened into silence.

The Ex box

There are a few decisions I made in the past that make me extremely proud of myself. Like the time I broke off from my first boyfriend (despite how much I thought I loved him) because when he told me his expectations of me after we got married, I realized that the man I was dating and the man I would be married to were as different as day and night. And as luck would have it, right before I broke of with him, I caught him cheating on me. That was divine timing. It made it so much easier to call things off with zero regrets.

Then after an on-and-off relationship with a megalomaniac, I decided that I had enough. It took me far too long to reach that decision but I when I did, I did so with crystal clear idea of what I wanted and that I had put up with a lot of nonsense for far too long. I had made a mistake and I was going to set things right for myself.

The third ex, the one I truly, truly fell in love with, was clearly not ready for what being with me meant. After dealing with his see-saw moods for some years I found myself as confused about him as I was when we first met. I also learned that as long as I treated him like sh!t, he would worship me and when I was being nice, he would run me down. I had enough of that very soon but then, I loved him. More importantly, I was seriously attracted to him and his bad boy personality. Then in a spate of anger or boredom he said that we were never dating. He, of course, as always, came back to me as if nothing had happened and nothing had been said but I had already packed up my emotions and was out the door.

I have no regrets about meeting them or what transpired between us. They are the reason I now know what I look for in my partner, what I am ready to put up with and what I can do without. I also know that love is not overrated. It's our expectations from the other person. I still fall in love and hard but never with the careless abandon of earlier times. I prepare myself to really see who the other person is---his strengths, his weaknesses, his quirks---and hope he tries to understand me as well.

When things go wrong, especially relationships, it's easy to blame the other person and not take any responsibility yourself. The important thing is not how you met or how long you were together...not even whether you still love the other person. The question to address is, does the other person make you feel good about yourself and do you bring the best in him/her. If the answer is no, kiss goodbye and move on. Life is too short to be with the wrong person.

Making do without "stuff"

We recently shifted to a new house, which is what inspired this post. I realized how much stuff my parents have collected over the years. It won't be fair to say "parents" since it basically my mom who hoards everything. My dad could possibly live his entire life with a pair of jeans a few shirts and a toothbrush. He disposes off anything he does not use---including cards and drawings that my sis and I had "presented" to him. I agree that we are not Deli or Piccaso but it upset us initially. Now that I'm older and wiser, I appreciate his habit a lot more. There is no mess around him.

My mom, on the other hand, always has good reasons why she should not get rid of things. The reason is "sentimental value." To be fair to her, every few months she gathers all discarded clothes that are in good condition, has them washed and ironed before donating them them to NGOs that may need them. She does that without a second thought. However, trying to get her to throw away a button that broke away from my dress when I was 5 yrs old (she meant to stitch it back) is impossible. And we have many such curiosities hidden in various drawers and cupboard shelf. These are things only she remembers where and how they were used decades ago.

After going through the tedious process of shifting all the "good stuff" and the zillion pieces of crap. Oops! I mean, "memorabilia," I decided to clear my clutter immediately. I destroyed all old personal diaries, which wasn't a difficult task since most pages were filled with accounts of how much homework I had and what I had for dinner. Yeah, so I had very poor idea of what memories I wanted to pen down. I got rid of old clothes, donated my cosmetics that I bought out of greed but never really used and everything else that I had not used (or even seen until then) for the past 2 years. I had already curbed my nasty habit of shopping for things I didn't need a few months ago so this clearing was really just the next step.

I am now certain that my own house would be minimalistic...de-cluttered and easy on the eyes. As for sentimental values, I'll save that for people and not material stuff.

This is a test...mail

Random ramblings should find home in words for who knows when in the future these very ramblings will make absolute sense.